My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
