my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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