I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
