i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
