i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
