Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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