I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
