John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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