He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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