Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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