Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Are my feet made of real feet?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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