The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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