Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
