Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
