As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize