So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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