I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
