Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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