Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
