im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
