While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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