I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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