i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
