these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
