Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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