If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
