Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
