It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
