how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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