Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
