I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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