the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
