My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
