I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
