So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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