No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
