I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
