So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
