im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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