I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize