my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You left your phone here
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