I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
