Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
