Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We had to coat check the pizza.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize