In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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