You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize