I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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