You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
