he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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