When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
