you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
