Your tits are I can't wait for
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
