he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
