Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
as a side note pls kill me
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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