im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
