Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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