some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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