Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
